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Tuesday, November 14, 2006

 

On again, off again

Inspiration: pretty people
Image: an old one from 2003

Natalie Portman and Gael Garcia Bernal first dated for about a year back in 2003-04, and everytime they run into each other at a premiere or party, rumors fly that they are getting back together. Such rumors surfaced in February when Natalie and Gael were both at the Berlin Film Festival to promote V for Vendetta and The Science of Sleep. The two were said to have spent 'quality time' together during the festival. Though whatever constituted 'quality time' for Natalie and Gael in Berlin was never made public, I think the public got a clearer idea of it on Sunday night. At The Roundhouse in London, Natalie and Gael were flagrantly indulging in 'steamy' PDA while listening to Seu Jorge. Though I have no idea if Natalie and Gael are really getting back together or just doing that 'hooking up with your ex when there's no one better around' thing, I do hope they give it another shot. I can't even remember why they broke up, and now the only explanation I can find is that "the final straw was when Portman discovered her beau had opted to take his parents to the Cannes Film Festival this week instead of her." Um ok.

A quick look at Natalie Portman's dating history tells me that dumping Gael was the second dumbest thing she's ever done. Though there's been recent evidence that Natalie and Jake Gyllenhaal are more than just friends. I don't think they've ever been serious -- Jake prefers ugly girls like Kirsten Dunst. And Natalie is no stranger to less than Jake hot men, since she has actually been dating Nat Rothschild, a bland British billionaire. I think she only gave him a shot because he's Jewish. Besides, Natalie and Nathanial = Nat and Nat -- clearly a horrible idea!

Natalie seems to have had a bit of a dating slump (publicly at least) pre-Nat, because the last guy to whom she was linked was Zach Braff in 2004. Zach was only an acceptable boyfriend because Garden State was good and Scrubs is hilarious. Clearly Natalie values humor, because Zach is not particularly hot. However, he is a lot hotter than Moby, who Natalie dated back in 2000 (yes, this would be the #1 dumbest thing ever). Wasn't she also sort of underaged then too?

As for Gael, Natalie is probably the best girlfriend that he's had too, though his girlfriends all tend to be attractive. Gael was linked most recently to Argentine actress Dolores Fonzi. This summer, Natalie was in Buenos Aires to visit Gael, and the Argentine paparazzi did a great job capturing these photos of Natalie flipping out after being asked about Gael and Dolores. I guess I can't blame Natalie for being upset. If my hot, albeit short, ex hooked up with someone objectively hotter than the person I'm currently dating, I might be a little irritable too.

Despite the Argentine drama this summer, it appears as though Natalie and Gael still can't stay away from each other. I think it's because Natalie is so small that she's still shorter than Gael in heels, and Gael is pretty much perfect, aside from being short.


 

Told you so!

Inspiration: lesbians!
Image: The Advocate

Many of my friends may recall that I have said for years that Michelle Rodriguez is as gay as Queen Latifah. Though most people believed me, there were always the few who scoffed and said, "And Queen Latifah isn't gay -- you just think everyone is gay." Well, now I can say "I told you so. Everybody is gay." Previously, I based my claims on sightings of Michelle dancing on tables at girl bars from LA to NYC and rumors that she had a 'domestic disturbance' with her female 'roommate' back in New Jersey years ago. Of course, I suppose these gossip tidbits were not proof of Michelle having anything other than an open-minded love of dancing and a commitment to self-assertion. After all, no one is really gay until it's printed in the Advocate.

Fortunately, Michelle's former co-star Kristanna Lokan -- who is best known for being the terminatrix in Terminator 3 and for making out with Pink at the 2003 World Music Awards, was just interviewed by the Advocate to promote an upcoming stint on The L Word this season. Kristanna and Michelle worked together in the horrendous vampire film BloodRayne, written by a mediocre lesbian filmmaker, and based on, surprise, a video game. There were rumors about Kristanna and Michelle 'partying' heavily during filming, which I interpreted as either drinking a lot, hooking up a lot, or both, because what else is there to do when filming a horrendous vampire movie in Romania? But, apparently, those drunken hookups evolved into a meaningful relationship, which Kristanna could no longer bear to hide. Fortunately for Michelle, when faced with questions about their relationship, Kristanna outed her in the most sensitive, eloquent way possible:

Interviewer: OK, your silence says volumes [Both laugh]
Kristanna: Just don’t look upstairs, OK?
Interviewer: Ooh, OK. You don’t want me to print that?
Kristanna: You can print it. [Laughs again] The very hot housekeeper. No, just joking.

Oh, hahahaha housekeeper - get it? Because she's like Mexican or whatever (also joking, she's Puerto Rican and Dominican). Anyway, Kristanna better be careful with her housekeeper jokes. Even though Kristanna is a head taller, I would still bet on Michelle in a domestic disturbance. You all saw Girlfight right? Not only would Michelle knock the sh*t out of her, but she would drink Kristanna under the table first and then speed away in her car after. Not even the LA County Jail could contain her fury.

But seriously, I wish Michelle and Kristanna luck, because it was pretty sad that Ellen and Portia were the hottest celebrity lesbian couple. I know it's hard to compete with Brangelina, but make an effort people! (This means you too boys -- Lance and Reichen are lame.)

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

 

Go big or go home


Inspiration: a hopeful Democratic sweep
Image: voting is hot.

Go vote today, especially if you live in one of those close Senate race states like TN, MD, VA, MO, MT, or RI. Voting is clearly more important than class or work. Even if your prof or boss is a bitch who makes a big deal out of you being late, just do it. Who cares what they think anyway?

 

K. Fed KO'ed

Inspiration: Divorce
Image: This is Britney after appearing on Letterman the other night. How sad that this outfit is seen as an 'improvement.'

Britney finally filed for divorce from K. Fed yesterday, claiming that 'a string of events' led to the demise of their love. Of course, Britney wants full-custody of the Federbrats and has hired power divorce attorney Laura Wasser to ensure her victory (not that victory here is really in question). Fortunately, the prenup is reportedly 'iron-clad' and will prevent K.Fed from making any more of a profit off Britney than he already has. Thanks to TMZ, here are the divorce documents in PDF form.

Looks like K.Fed will have to make his living off his music career (ha) and 'wrestling' appearances now. You know Shar Jackson is laughing her ass off right now!

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

 

Ryan is a loser

Inspiration: don't let your Blackberry out of your sight
Image: mollygood.com, socialitelife.com

Well the National Enquirer is offering confirmation -- yes, they are credible; they were right about what happened on the set of Grey's -- that Ryan is a cheater. Apparently the girl that Ryan was seen making out with in Austin is actually Abbie Cornish, his co-star (pictured here). Reese was drinking and fighting with Ryan at the Flags of our Fathers premiere after-party because she found Ryan's Blackberry in their hotel bathroom and saw the messages he and Abbie had been exchanging. Wow. Ryan is not only an insecure cheater, but also a complete idiot. After the premiere, Ryan went to finish a movie in Morocco, and Reese went back to LA. When Ryan came home this week, Reese kicked him out and hired Jennifer Aniston's divorce lawyer. Once Reese tracks down all those Canadian waitresses and, perhaps, Jake Gyllenhaal, it will all be over. I predict that Reese will offer joint custody of their two children, on the condition that Ryan receives no financial gain from the settlement. Then Reese will get to work on her anti-Flags of Our Fathers Oscar campaign. Key voters should expect gift baskets full of books about the role of black soldiers in WWII and phone calls with the sounds of crying children drowning out Reese's warm greetings.

 

Oprah's book club?

Inspiration: Snoop Dogg pens first book
Image: newsamericanow.com

I've definitely been waiting for this moment ever since I read Nicole Richie's The Truth About Diamonds at Borders . Yes, at Borders -- why would I actually pay for it? Anyway, Snoop Dogg, the master wordsmith, has released Love Don't Live Here No More: Book One of Doggy Tales. Book One -- yes, there will be 6 more! This first volume tracks Snoop from his childhood to the start of his hiphop career. I can't wait to see what Snoop will say later about the Bad Boy vs. Death Row drama. Though I doubt Snoop will set it off by claiming anything too controversial, I'm sure his autobiography will be a more substantive read than Nicole's (and definitely Paris's).

Monday, October 30, 2006

 

All that glitters...

Inspiration: is not gold
Images: yahoo, TMZ, MSNBC, Egotastic

Reese and Ryan announced their separation today, forever dashing the hopes of young straight women and gay men everywhere who believed that finding a hot, supportive husband was actually possible. You should have seen the panic that swept through my workplace this afternoon. The shock and dismay nearly surpassed that which I've witnessed from friends whose own parents were divorcing. Though many casual observers were horribly shocked by the demise of Reese and Ryan's golden marriage -- a TMZ poll of over 175,000 people has 75% voting for "I can't believe it" -- I was only a little shocked. I remembered the very public fight the two had back in May and that any relationship in which the woman is phenomenally successful and the husband is a relatively struggling pretty boy is doomed to fail.

Though I couldn't stand Reese when I thought she was happy, now I can unite with her in feminist sisterhood against the evils of the philandering male ego. Just look at the body language in these pictures taken over the past year. First, we have Reese and Ryan at the SAG awards. Look how awkwardly placed Ryan's hand is around her shoulder -- and look how Reese looks like she just bit into a rotten apple! Next is a picture of the couple celebrating Reese's Golden Globe win. Ryan looks like he is about to bite off Reese's ear, and Reese, again, looks like she wants to vomit. At the Oscars, Ryan had difficulty mustering a smile, and at the Flags of our Fathers premiere, Reese looks wasted and Ryan looks tense. Not long after this picture was taken, Reese and Ryan apparently had the blowout fight that put the nail in the coffin of their marriage.
What I've gathered from various sources is that Reese and Ryan went to the premiere, smiled for the cameras, left before the movie started, and were fighting at the after-party. I can't imagine why, but Reese was drinking, had one too many cosmos, and was overheard saying to Ryan, "I don't know what you mean by saying I am embarrassing you, how could you say I am embarrassing you?" They went outside and had a "knock-down, drag out," and then they left looking pissed.
During an interview earlier in the evening, Ryan told FOX News, "Let my wife be the movie star. I’m happy just to work with great directors and be a part of great films.” Hmm right. The same reporter also asked Reese how she felt 'not being the star' of the movie she is currently filming -- which was a silly question because, ensemble cast or not, Reese still is the star of that movie. Reese knows that too, so she replied, "Well, I am, I guess. I’m the woman. I’m the moral center. But I can do it! Bring it on! I can handle it!” Reese and Ryan's exchanges with this reporter pretty much tell the story. Personally, I hope Reese brings it to the divorce proceedings, since she makes almost $30 million a movie and Ryan only makes $2.5 million on a good day. Ryan has not been good at hiding his indiscretions lately, which should cost him.

I can see how Reese might be difficult to live with, being so perfect and everything, but I still can't stand cheaters, especially the ones who cheat like Ryan does (allegedly). Though it is wrong, I can understand cheaters who cheat because they have genuinely fallen in love with someone else, like Brad with Angelina. However, I cannot tolerate cheaters who cheat out of a compulsive need for sex (Eric Benet cheating on Halle), cheat to lash out at their partners, and/or cheat to compensate for, let's say, career-related shortcomings. Unless Ryan is madly in love with that no name blonde he was seen making out with in Austin, I am boycotting Flags of Our Fathers -- which I was probably going to do anyway, since the movie left out all the black soldiers in Iwo Jima.


Wednesday, October 25, 2006

 

Get ready

Inspiration: "When I was a kid, I inhaled. That was the point."
Image: Obama visiting HLS

Barack Obama has confirmed that he is considering a presidential run in 2008. Of course, I think Obama is amazing, but I must admit that his lack of experience gives me pause. Obama is intelligent, attractive, charismatic, shares my values -- but he has only served 2 years in the Senate. Should this matter? I used to think it did, but now I'm not so sure. After all, George W. Bush had two terms as governor, and that certainly didn't help him. Of course, Bush is also an idiot. Given that Obama is not an idiot and does not shun logic, reason, or science, I am sure that he would manage the job just fine.

Despite Obama's personal capabilities, his political opponents will capitalize on his lack of political experience. I'm pretty sure that Obama's relative newness to the political scene and, yeah, being black will make it difficult for him to gain the trust of the swing voters who will determine the election. When I think of swing voters, I think of libertarians and the Republicans who just don't like the war. Maybe I'm prejudiced, but I suspect that there are more than a few repressed, or not so repressed, racists in those groups who don't like 'wasting money' on social welfare programs or guest worker programs for immigrants.

Fortunately, I have come up with a solid campaign strategy that will help Obama build bridges to racist swing voters. Obama needs to make sure that everybody knows that without him, we would not have the Attacking Viral Influenza Across Nations Act providing for "the procurement of antivirals, development of effective vaccines, and improvement of the public health infrastructure and medical surge capacity in hospitals." Obama should run on the bird flu platform. As scared as racists are of black people and immigrants, they should be even more afraid of bird flu, and everyone should be able to agree that antiviral drugs are good -- except for Christian Scientists, but who cares about them anyway?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

 

Britney baby update

Inspiration: TMZ Solves Britney Baby Mystery
Image: from defamer --because old gross Britney pictures will never go out of style

So TMZ tracked down the birth certificate and found that though the public was misled about the baby's name, Jayden James Federline is indeed a boy -- or so they say. I mean, they have to write something on those forms, and I am pretty sure that '?' is not an option!

Note also that K.Fed is the one who signed the certificate, not Britney. I suppose this is his way of taking on more fatherly responsibilities.

Monday, October 23, 2006

 

Congratulations, it's a...

Inspiration: ISNA
Image: Brit lost some weight, but still needs to dye her hair

There are rumors going around that Britney's second baby may not really be named Sutton Pierce, but rather Jayden James. Even more fascinating is that X17 paparazzi believe the baby may actually be a girl, since they saw Britney's bodyguard buying pink baby clothes in Malibu. Though the paparazzi can't prove their story because the bodyguard scared them into giving up the tape, I have developed my own sound theory to explain this mystery.

I think Britney had an intersex baby. After all, Britney and her 'people' have never officially confirmed or denied any reports of the baby's name or gender. What would be the point of being so cagey about this basic detail? The paparazzi would follow the baby around regardless of its gender, so privacy is not a valid concern. Even the friend of K.Fed who was quoted as saying, "Grandma Federline calls the child Jayden," used gender neutral language! Clearly Britney herself is stunned and confused about this situation. She's all like, "Huh, what? Interwhat?!"

Britney, if your baby is ambiguously gendered, just come on out and say it. Even though s/he will never be as popular as the Jolie-Pitts, it will still be Suri who freaks everyone out. Besides, androgyny is in -- just move to Silverlake and encourage Sutton/Jayden to become Jared Leto and/or a hipster lesbian.

 

Gwen is back

Inspiration: high on a hill was a lonely goatherd...
Image: nodoubtweb

So here is Gwen Stefani's new song, "Wind It Up." The lyrics are as meaningless as they were on her last album, but the track itself is one of the most interesting I've heard in a while. Though I don't actually know how Pharrell or Gwen got the idea to mix in the yodelling song from the puppet show in The Sound of Music, I'm going to go ahead and blame the baby (though I hold Gwen solely accountable for the baby's mohawk).

Babies can completely turn careers upside down. For example, Angelina and Brad are shunning steamy sex scenes in future movies -- will any of their films be worth seeing again? Though Gwen's situation is less dire, I think the purity and innocence of The Sound of Music can take her career only so far before it simply becomes too disturbing.

Fortunately, the results of the Fräulein Maria effect for this one song are surprisingly amazing, though still unsettling. I can't wait to see the trippy video. I want to see Gwen in ledenhosen milking a goat while Harajuku girls skip around in a circle holding hands. It would sort of be like this picture, except there would be an ugly goat instead of a l.a.m.b. The goat would be chewing on the Harajuku girls' cell phones, and there would be rapidly blooming flowers that explode into rainbows and fairy dust.

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