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Wednesday, October 25, 2006

 

Get ready

Inspiration: "When I was a kid, I inhaled. That was the point."
Image: Obama visiting HLS

Barack Obama has confirmed that he is considering a presidential run in 2008. Of course, I think Obama is amazing, but I must admit that his lack of experience gives me pause. Obama is intelligent, attractive, charismatic, shares my values -- but he has only served 2 years in the Senate. Should this matter? I used to think it did, but now I'm not so sure. After all, George W. Bush had two terms as governor, and that certainly didn't help him. Of course, Bush is also an idiot. Given that Obama is not an idiot and does not shun logic, reason, or science, I am sure that he would manage the job just fine.

Despite Obama's personal capabilities, his political opponents will capitalize on his lack of political experience. I'm pretty sure that Obama's relative newness to the political scene and, yeah, being black will make it difficult for him to gain the trust of the swing voters who will determine the election. When I think of swing voters, I think of libertarians and the Republicans who just don't like the war. Maybe I'm prejudiced, but I suspect that there are more than a few repressed, or not so repressed, racists in those groups who don't like 'wasting money' on social welfare programs or guest worker programs for immigrants.

Fortunately, I have come up with a solid campaign strategy that will help Obama build bridges to racist swing voters. Obama needs to make sure that everybody knows that without him, we would not have the Attacking Viral Influenza Across Nations Act providing for "the procurement of antivirals, development of effective vaccines, and improvement of the public health infrastructure and medical surge capacity in hospitals." Obama should run on the bird flu platform. As scared as racists are of black people and immigrants, they should be even more afraid of bird flu, and everyone should be able to agree that antiviral drugs are good -- except for Christian Scientists, but who cares about them anyway?

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

 

Britney baby update

Inspiration: TMZ Solves Britney Baby Mystery
Image: from defamer --because old gross Britney pictures will never go out of style

So TMZ tracked down the birth certificate and found that though the public was misled about the baby's name, Jayden James Federline is indeed a boy -- or so they say. I mean, they have to write something on those forms, and I am pretty sure that '?' is not an option!

Note also that K.Fed is the one who signed the certificate, not Britney. I suppose this is his way of taking on more fatherly responsibilities.

Monday, October 23, 2006

 

Congratulations, it's a...

Inspiration: ISNA
Image: Brit lost some weight, but still needs to dye her hair

There are rumors going around that Britney's second baby may not really be named Sutton Pierce, but rather Jayden James. Even more fascinating is that X17 paparazzi believe the baby may actually be a girl, since they saw Britney's bodyguard buying pink baby clothes in Malibu. Though the paparazzi can't prove their story because the bodyguard scared them into giving up the tape, I have developed my own sound theory to explain this mystery.

I think Britney had an intersex baby. After all, Britney and her 'people' have never officially confirmed or denied any reports of the baby's name or gender. What would be the point of being so cagey about this basic detail? The paparazzi would follow the baby around regardless of its gender, so privacy is not a valid concern. Even the friend of K.Fed who was quoted as saying, "Grandma Federline calls the child Jayden," used gender neutral language! Clearly Britney herself is stunned and confused about this situation. She's all like, "Huh, what? Interwhat?!"

Britney, if your baby is ambiguously gendered, just come on out and say it. Even though s/he will never be as popular as the Jolie-Pitts, it will still be Suri who freaks everyone out. Besides, androgyny is in -- just move to Silverlake and encourage Sutton/Jayden to become Jared Leto and/or a hipster lesbian.

 

Gwen is back

Inspiration: high on a hill was a lonely goatherd...
Image: nodoubtweb

So here is Gwen Stefani's new song, "Wind It Up." The lyrics are as meaningless as they were on her last album, but the track itself is one of the most interesting I've heard in a while. Though I don't actually know how Pharrell or Gwen got the idea to mix in the yodelling song from the puppet show in The Sound of Music, I'm going to go ahead and blame the baby (though I hold Gwen solely accountable for the baby's mohawk).

Babies can completely turn careers upside down. For example, Angelina and Brad are shunning steamy sex scenes in future movies -- will any of their films be worth seeing again? Though Gwen's situation is less dire, I think the purity and innocence of The Sound of Music can take her career only so far before it simply becomes too disturbing.

Fortunately, the results of the Fräulein Maria effect for this one song are surprisingly amazing, though still unsettling. I can't wait to see the trippy video. I want to see Gwen in ledenhosen milking a goat while Harajuku girls skip around in a circle holding hands. It would sort of be like this picture, except there would be an ugly goat instead of a l.a.m.b. The goat would be chewing on the Harajuku girls' cell phones, and there would be rapidly blooming flowers that explode into rainbows and fairy dust.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

 

Babyshambles?


Inspiration: Rosemary's baby
Images: parents-to-be?

Margaret Sanger once wrote that "a stern and rigid policy of sterilization" should be applied to "that grade of population whose progeny is already tainted or whose inheritance is such that objectionable traits may be transmitted to offspring." Well lucky for Pete Doherty's uncle that forced sterilization never became popular outside of North Carolina mental institutes and Sweden, or else he wouldn't have earned his 15min of fame by announcing that Kate Moss is pregnant with Pete's child. Though I don't find Pete's uncle to be particularly credible, various other rumors about Kate designing a maternity line and believing that having a baby would force Pete to stay clean, have made me wonder...

Though I don't expect Kate to be a master of logic, I like to think that she can recognize sequences of events and correctly categorize them as 'patterns.' For example, Kate should have noticed by now that Pete does not really respond positively to rehab. Even more importantly, Kate should have noticed that Pete has children already, but still never stopped taking drugs. I don't suppose Kate has spoken lately to Lisa Moorish -- the lucky mother of both Pete and Liam Gallagher's children -- but I suspect Lisa would have a word or two of caution to give. Of course, Kate probably thinks that her baby with Pete would be 'special' because their love is 'real.' I'd like to think that not even Kate Moss is that dim, so until I see an unsightly baby bump distracting me from her skinny jeans and dilated pupils, I will assume that she uses birth control -- just as Margaret Sanger intended.

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